Casino Time

The Best and Funniest Casino Jokes

1. Never trust a mean drunk

falling man joke

Two men are standing at a bar. One man says to the other “I bet you $100 I can jump out of this window and a magical gust of wind will catch me and blow me back into the window.

The other man, slightly drunk but curious, agrees to the bet. All of a sudden the first man jumps out of the bar window and, almost miraculously, is caught while he falls and is lifted back in through the window without any trouble.

The second man, assuming this must be a trick, hands over the $100 and says, “I bet you $200 then that I can do the same thing.”

The first man agrees and watches as the second man leaps out of the window and falls to his death.

“Jeez,” says the bartender, “You can be a really mean bastard when you’re drunk Superman.”

 

 

2. How many shades of grey?

I was standing at the Roulette table and was just about to lay my chips down when a gentleman to the left of me turned and said loudly, “Black, 33.”

Confused but not wanting to seem rude, I turned round, shook his hand and said “White, 28.”

 

 

3. New family members

jackpot joke

"It's amazing how many long-lost relatives we have since I won that jackpot gambling online!"

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

4. Pack your bags!

pack your bags casino jokes

A man comes rushing into his house and screams to his wife ‘Martha, pack your bags, I’ve just won the lottery!’

‘That’s brilliant’ says his wife excitedly, ‘should I pack for warm weather or cold?’

‘I don’t care says the man, just make sure you’re out of the house by noon.’

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

5. It could be you…

A man called Jim finds himself in dire financial troubles. His business has just gone under and he finds himself praying to God.

“God please help me, I’ve lost my business and if I don’t come into some money soon, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.”

On the night of the lottery, Jim watches the numbers come up but he doesn’t win.

So Jim prays again … “God I’ve lost my business and my house and the bank are about to come and repossess my car, please won’t you let me win the lottery.”

As lottery night comes again, Jim watches in agony as the numbers come up and he doesn’t win for a second time - so he decided to pray again.

“God, I’ve lost my business, my house and my car, my wife and children are about to leave me, why oh why have you forsaken me! I have never asked you for help before - just please help me this one time, let me win the lottery!”

Suddenly there is a huge flash in the sky and a booming voice appears from nowhere: "Joe, I hear your prayers, but meet me halfway and buy a ticket!"

 

 

6. Ace up your sleeve?

he is cheating casino joke

"He’s cheating. That’s not the hand I dealt him!"

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

7. Poker face

poker dog joke

A man walks into a bar and sees that a poker game is being played at one of the far tables. As he walks towards it to get a better look, he sees a dog sitting at the table. This peaks his curiosity and as he walks a little closer, sees a hand of cards and a stack of chips in front of the dog.

As the next hand is dealt out, he watches as a new set of cards are dealt to the dog. Astoundingly the dog acts in turn with all the other players, as it calls, raises, discards, and does everything that the other human players were doing too. Much to his surprise, however, none of the other players seem to pay any attention to the fact that they were playing poker with a dog, and just treated him like any other player at the table.

Finally, the man could not hold his tongue any longer and so, between hands, he whispered quietly to one of the players, "I can"t believe that dog is playing poker, surely that must be the smartest dog in the whole world!"

The player smiled and answered, "It can"t be that smart, every time it gets a good hand it wags its tail."

 

 

8. The house usually wins

A man stumbles home at 4am in the morning after a long night at the casinos, blind drunk.

“What happened to you last night!” screamed his wife.

“I was playing Poker last night till late and lost everything” the man replied.

“That’s it,” yelled his wife, “Pack your bags and get out of the house for good.”

“So can you” says the man, “I bet the house last night too and lost.”

 

 

9. Winning streak

winning streak casino joke

A man walks into a casino and while looking around at his options, hears a very loud and excited blonde girl screaming while standing in front of the Change machine.

Confused at what all the commotion is about, he walks up to the girl and asks her why she is so happy.

Without even blinking, the blonde turns to him and says: ‘Why wouldn’t I be? I’m on a winning streak. Every time I put in a dollar, four quarters come out!’

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

10. Take it for a spin

I was drinking till late in the casino last night and decided to let loose and have a few spins on the Roulette table.

It didn’t last long though, the manager came and told me to get off the wheel after just 30 seconds.


 

11. What did the elephant say…?

what did the elephant say joke
 

 

12. Great service

man holding cards joke

A game of blackjack is being played in the casinos.

The player has 12 points in his hand when all of a sudden he starts having an argument with the dealer about why it is considered customary for you to have to tip the dealer.

Dealer: “Why would you not tip the dealer just because you got dealt a bad hand? In a restaurant do you tip your waiter?”

Player: “Yes of course”

Dealer: “And I suppose that you tip your waiter whether the food you get is good or bad, because the quality of the food isn’t up to the waiter, they just deliver it to you. The same surely applies to blackjack, the dealer isn’t responsible for whether you get a good hand or a bad one.”

Player: “That’s true but you’ve overlooked an important point. The waiter brings me what I want, and by that same logic, I’ll take a 9 thanks.”

 

 

13. The best advice you can give to a gambler?

 
while you are ahead casino joke
 

 

14. Don’t get mad…

old lady bingo joke

How do you get a little old lady to swear? Get another little old lady to yell ‘BINGO!"

 

 

 

 


 

15. Playing the long game

A bloke walks into a pet shop, looks around for a bit and stumbles across a talking dog. After chatting with it for about 15 minutes, he decides to buy it.

Later that day the man went to his local poker room and said, ‘I bet all of you a fiver that my dog can actually talk.’

After a few chuckles and whispers around the place, a few people take the bet but the dog doesn't say a thing and the man is forced to pay the bettors.

Confused, he heads back home at which point the dog starts yapping away again.

The next day the guy heads back to the poker room and bets the crowd £10 that the dog can talk.

Yet again the man waits but the dog says nothing at all!

After forking out the winnings the man takes the dog outside and angrily shouts, ‘You’re a complete waste of money - I’m taking you back to the shop right now!’

‘Stop a minute and think,’ says the dog. ‘Just think of the odds we will get tomorrow!’


 

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